I don’t really know where to begin right now. Life can go from being so good, to bad, to good. I really wish it could just stay good for once in my life but all I ever can do is worry my freaking head off. I haven’t had a real boyfriend in over 2 years and now that I finally have one, i’m scared. I want to stay with him but sometimes i feel like he doesn’t want me. I know that’s not the case but sometimes, the way he acts or shows his feelings, it seems like he could care less. I’ve never cared about someone this much before and i really really want this to work, more then anything ever. Sometimes our fights are so ridiculous but in the end, i just want them to be over so i can hug and kiss him. My family loves him and that’s a first. They talk about him a lot and always mention certain things (ie buying him things, inviting him to things, etc). I’m just going to keep my head up and do this. I’m going to try so hard not to worry. I also give zero fucks about who doesn’t like him. My happieness is what matters the most right now.
Christmas was really good. I got a DSi, some clothes, some DVDS (movies and seasons), a calendar (scrubs), scarf, hat, mittens and just other random small things. I got a blanket that is so so nice and soft from Chris, as well as a DS game. Kyle had me for the gift exchange in the family and he also got my a DS game.
Last night I went into London and hung out with Kyle and Natasha. Kyle is honestly the funniest person alive, hands down. If i ever need cheering up, I know exactly where to go. We watched the craziest show ever (hoarters) and played Zelda on our DSi’s. Then Natasha came over and we went on an adventure in the blizzard (thank fuck we didn’t die).
I’m getting tattooed Saturday. I aim beyond excited and my parents are paying for it.
Everything is good now. Zero worries, zero fucks.
Christmas is so fucking soon. I finally finished my christmas shopping today and i’m so stoked on it.
I have nothing really to write.
uhhh I wish crazy people wouldn’t lurk this, sweet.
My aunt Sherri lived next door to our house and invited my mom to her wedding, but no one else. We had the reception at our house, since we weren’t invited and did want to see who she was marrying and shit. So we’re all hanging out in the backyard and my cousin Brittany has the weirdest fucking friends ever. Her boyfriend has a white neck tattoo and shitty long hair. My mom comes home after the wedding and is so so pissed off. She tells me it wasn’t even aunt Sherri’s wedding, it was some Lisa chicks. We were had. Then, Tiger Woods came and stayed at our house, to see what a “real family” looked like. He had to stay in my room and I slept on the couch, he was fucking weird. I went to Emilia’s and told her and her mom all about it. Her mom gasped because i have the number two tattooed on the outside of my wrist. I explained it really meant something to me, etc.
Mmm, I feel like I’ve fucked up yet again and I’m not sure there’s anything I can do about it. I worry and I worry, even after i’m reassured that I haven’t fucked up. My mind always wanders about and i can’t ever stop it. i worry about everything possible and it makes me go nuts. I know that this amount of worrying is un healthy but I don’t know what to do anymore. Maybe after this weekend, i’ll be completely reassured but I cant be sure until it actually happens.
I’m getting tattoed either on the 21rst or january 2nd. At first it was just going to be my zelda tattoo but the person doing it, is an apprentace and it’s far too detailed for him. So i’m scraping that idea (i’ll eventually get it done) and got him to draw me up a sweet wolf. I’m putting it on the back of my thigh.
Christmas has seriously come so fast this year. I haven’t even started my christmas shopping yet. I have a lot of people to by for this year but i might see if my friends can wait until a week after christmas. We’ll see, i might be able to afford everything.
It’s so fucking windy outside.
Someone really fucking loves my blog or is just a huuuuge fucking creep because my blog was viewed 69 times yesterday. My god, how fucked up is that? so fucked up. Whoever it is, what the fuuuuuck dude. Speak up already. ANYWAYS!
I had the biggest break down of my life last night. i won’t go into details but basically i just bottled everything in and just lost it last night. i’m a lot better now, so no big deal.
You’re treating her the way you treated me while we liked eachother/ were dating. Do you have any idea how that feels? You probably didn’t intend on me finding out or any of that shit, but i did. not even a day after we break up. I might be reading far too into it, but i don’t care. You claim you don’t have feelings for me anymore but maybe that’s because you’re rebounding with her. Whatever. God damnit, i’m letting this get to me when it really shouldn’t. Have fun, barf.
So basically, there’s something seriously wrong with me and I wish I knew what my fucking problem is. For people who know me, they know I’ve never been in a relationship for longer than a month. Once the one month rolls around, I somehow always fuck things up. I don’t know how or why, but it just happens. Recently I’ve come to the realization, that breaking up with Steve was such a stupid decision. I don’t give any fucks as to who reads or lurks this. It was a dumb thing for me to do. I got scared and bailed. For once there was a legit dude in my life and I fucked up. Now its far too late and I won’t be getting the light of day ( big fuck you ).
For now, I’m just going to work on myself. Figure out why the fuck this always happens. My guess is, I get too attached and get scared. Its stupid and I know this. I just need to learn to let my wall down and just trust people. If I could go back in time, I’d fix things but that’s not possible. I can deal with that, its my own fault.
This week has had its ups and downs. For the most part, I have some of the best friends ever. When there was the downs, my friends were there to cheer me back up. I’m really thankful for them.
I’ve come to the point where I’m just going to write whatever the fuck I want and whoever can read it. Zero fucks.
You make my blood boil. I don’t even know you and all you do is piss me off. Like seriously, just fuck off. I know you’re trying to piss me off and im letting you get to me.
And you, I wish you’d realize that yes, i care about you but you’re not what i need right now. You completely do not understand me and what I need right now. I hope you’ll eventually understand this and stop stressing out so much and being bummed. Life isnt fair and you’re going to have to deal with it.
I’m hungry as fuck but too lazy to get up and see what there is to eat. frig. MY LIFE IS SO DIFFICULT WAAAAAH. syke.
My life is seriously such a mess right now. I’m so un-decisive and never know what to do. I know i’m hurting some people in the process and i’m sorry for that. I just need to figure this shit out and have time alone. This sounds really weird but whatever. I just need room to breath and to think. I also need to stay single for a while. I’ve been jumping in and out of things for the past couple of months and it needs to stop. I don’t even get the chance to just stop and think. So I’m sorry.
Just to let the people who lurk me know, I usually can figure out who’s lurking me. It shows from where someone has clicked my link and somehow, even shows me the profile of the person (facebook wise.). And a couple people who do lurk me, i don’t even fucking KNOW you. And i think it’s realllllly creepy that you lurk me. Seriously, get a life. Such a yiiiiiiikes.
